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Meet the New “Sexperts”Source: Cosmo Magazine March 2003 A few years ago, not many University of Kansas students would pick up the campus newspaper on Thursdays, or any other day for that matter. But in 2001, then 20-year-old Meghan Bainum started writing a weekly sex column. “Now people complain that they can’t find the Daily Kansan on Thursdays because they run out so quickly!” boasts Meghan. Student-written columns are the latest trend hitting college campuses across the country. “Ten years ago, there were none,” says National Scholastic Press Association executive director Tom Rolnicki. “Today, there are at least a dozen and we’ll be seeing even more of them soon.” Select students like Meghan have suddenly become gurus, answering questions and dispensing advice to a large following. “Many taboos are broken, so younger women are more confident talking about these issues, whereas before, they would have worried that it would damage their reputations,” says Jane Rinzler Buckingham, president of trend-tracking agency Youth Intelligence and a Cosmo contributor. Not that there aren’t still certain drawbacks – the columnists say many guys are either intimidated by them or assume they are easy. Here, Cosmo introduces you to these new sexperts and finds out what they tell their inquiring readers. When Yvonne’s sixth-grade class was assigned to do a presentation on a system in the body and Yvonne chose the reproductive system, her teacher had to ask for special permission from the principal for the project. “I found my niche really early,” says Yvonne, now 27. She went on to get a B.A. in psychology and sociology at Pennsylvania State University and a master’s degree in human sexuality education from the University of Pennsylvania. The most highly credentialed of these college sexperts, she’s currently pursuing her Ph.D in health studies at New York University, where she started her sex column two years ago. Her upcoming book, The Hot Guide to Safer Sex, comes out in June. Column Name: “Sexpert Tells All” Biggest Sex hang-up on women: Not being able to orgasm Biggest Sex hang-up on men: Wanting to last longer in bed. “Some people say men’s biggest hang-up is size, but I don’t get letters about that. Men seem more interested in how to better pleasure their partners.” Strangest letter you’ve received: One guy wrote Yvonne complaining about “the nerve of the females who dress the way they do” and asked her how he could take care of his arousal when he was so turned on in class. Most important thing for a women’s sex life: Positive body image. “So much about fully enjoying sex stems from being comfortable with your own body.” Most important thing for a man’s sex life: Pats on the back, so to speak. “Men need to hear that their partner is turned on and they’re doing things the right way. They like to pretend they’re the Mack Daddy, but deep down, they’re insecure.” Advice you’ve given but have never followed: “I received a latter from a guy whose girlfriend wanted to penetrate him with a strap-on dildo and asked for some suggestions. So I told him about different kinds of strap-ons and what lubrication and positions to try. I’ve never tried it myself.” Biggest sex myth: Alcohol eroticizes sex. “College students tend to believe that they can’t do something sexual or get turned on until they pound a couple. But studies show that sexual performance actually goes down with alcohol intake.” Weirdest question you’ve ever gotten: “‘How can I avoid getting splinters when someone paddles me?’ I think it was a joke.” Think you’ll be doing this in 10 years? “Definitely.” At the tender age of 4, Meghan discovered her father’s stash of playboys and stayed up all night reading them. By the time she entered her conservative 150-student high school in Eskridge, Kansas, she had become known as the girl who would talk about anything. “Parents hated me, and a lot of students did too,” says Meghan, now 22. “Women in my mall Kansas town weren’t supposed to be outspoken, especially about sex.” In the fall of 1998, she enrolled in the state university, where she’s majoring in journalism. In spring of 2001, Meghan pitched the idea of a sex column to the Daily Kansan. A year and a half later, Meghan still hears rumors that she must be sleeping around in order to write what she does. (Her column is on hiatus this semester.) “When people think of a male sexpert, they think, Doctor. When they think of a female sexpert, they think Slut,” she says. Column Name: “The Sex Column” Biggest sex hang-up of women: Not being comfortable enough to know what they like in bed. “So many guys say ‘I want her to tell me what she wants – even if it is just ‘Yes, right there!’” Biggest sex hang-up on men: Fear of not being normal. “I get questions like ‘I want my girlfriend to play with my butt. Does that mean I’m gay?’ They feel like they have to be all-American homegrown boys who eat steak and only do it missionary.” Most common question I get: “A lot of guys ask me how to be more attractive to girls. I also get a lot of questions about dryness – people aren’t using lube as much as they should.” Most important thing for a woman’s sex life: Being familiar enough with herself to be able to direct her lover. Most important thing for a man’s sex life: Confidence to try something new. “College guys tend to be hesitant because they’re afraid to look like they don’t know what they’re doing.” Advice you’ve given but never followed: “I haven’t had any anal adventures, but I give advice on them all the time. Everyone has hang-ups, even sex columnists.” Most common misconception about you: “People assume that because I am open, I must be bisexual.” Biggest sex myth: That women don’t enjoy sex as much as guys do. “Many people still believe that girls don’t have desires and drives like men do and aren’t all that interested in sex itself.” Weirdest question you’ve ever gotten: “A guy asked me, ‘If I masturbate seven times a day, will it deplete my supplies?’” Think you’ll be doing this in 10 years? “I hope so. I have a lot to say.” University of California at Berkeley sophomore and biology major Teresa Chin always figured she’d go premed – her mother was a nurse, and Teresa loves science. But this past fall, her medical interests took a decidedly sexual turn. The 20-year-old Fullerton, California, native was working for the student health program when a fellow staffer, an editor at the Daily Californian, mentioned he hadn’t yet found a writer for the paper’s weekly sex column. Teresa, whose family spoke very openly about sex, was intrigued. “In college, I saw that people were uncomfortable talking about sex. I thought it was important to get over it and start discussing these issues.” But not with everyone. When she got the job, her mother was so excited that she started telling Teresa all about her own sex life … which was definitely TMI. Column Name: “Sex on Tuesday” Biggest sex hang-up of women: Having trouble reaching orgasm. “I think inadequate foreplay is the number one cause.” Biggest sex hang-up in men: Stamina Most common question you get: “‘How do I make sex more romantic?’ They even ask me about music and places to go.” Most important thing for a woman’s sex life: Knowing her own body. “A woman shouldn’t expect men to teach her about it.” Most important thing for a man’s sex life: Learning how to form good relationships. “College guys feel pressure to be amazing lovers, so they often race ahead on the physical side while ignoring the importance of an emotional bond.” Advice you’ve given but never followed: “How to have sex with an uncircumcised man. There are different techniques to use with that extra flap during oral sex, and you need more lubrication than usual for hand jobs. I’ve never been with an uncircumcised man, so I had to interview friends.” Biggest sex myth: You have to orgasm to have a good sexual experience. “That’s not true at all. Sure, orgasms are important, but they’re also overrated. I hear from men who can’t orgasm from oral sex and are worried that women think they don’t enjoy it, when they do. And men often think that if a woman doesn’t orgasm during sex, then it’s a bad experience, which it isn’t.” Weirdest question you’ve ever answered: “I heard from a woman who liked a guy in her class so much that when she looked at him she could reach orgasm, and she wanted to know what to do.” Think you’ll be doing this in 10 years: “Probably not. I hope to be a pediatrician or OB-GYN.” When Amber Madison, 19, took a human sexual behavior class in the spring of her freshman year, she had frank discussions with several of her girlfriends and was surprised to hear they didn’t really enjoy sex. “Sex was something they did for the pleasure of their boyfriends – the girls just lay down and took it,” says Amber. “Obviously, I thought that was unfair.” Inspired, she proposed a sex column for the Tufts Daily, where editors initially called her articles “too racy” but eventually started publishing them. Amber’s parents, she says, are thrilled. “I grew up in a hippie community in North Carolina where my parents were very open with me about sex,” Amber says. “My parents love my columns – my mother even edits them before I turn them in.” Column Name: “Between the Sheets” Biggest sex hang-up of women: Not having an orgasm Biggest sex hang-up of men: Not being able to give women orgasms. “Unless guys have had a serious girlfriend, they usually know absolutely nothing about sex. I don’t blame them for being confused about women’s private parts and how to make them feel good – vaginas are complicated.” Most common question you get: “How do I have an orgasm – and how do I know if I’ve ever had one?” Most important thing for a woman’s sex life: Safety. “If you have sex without using protection, it can kill you.” Most important thing for a man’s sex life: “For him, it’s probably just to get off, but it should be safety too.” Weirdest question you’ve ever gotten: “Some guy wrote in because he was afraid that if he used condoms lubricated with spermicide, the spermicide might swim up his urethra and kill all the sperm.” Advice you’ve given but have never followed: Don’t fake it. “I’ve faked orgasms a couple of times, though not regularly, but I always tell girls not to.” Biggest sex myth: “Guys think that if their penis is longer than 6 inches, then they don’t need to know what to do with it. But a guy can have a big penis and still not be very good in bed. I also think it’s a myth that women enjoy anal sex. I mean, there might be a few women out there who do, but I’ve not yet seen any evidence that they exist.” Think you’ll be doing this in 10 years: “Hopefully not. I plan to work either as a sex therapist or with an organization like Planned Parenthood to educate teens about safe sex.” HOW GOOD ARE THE NEW SEXPERTS? To find out, we ran their favorite tips by Laura Berman, Ph.D., a sex therapist. Here, she grades their advice. TIP: “I’m a big fan of men and women using a vibrator together. Many men are intimidated by it, and women are concerned they’ll become vibrator dependent. But if more people use vibrators, they’d have mind-blowing sex.” – Yvonne K. Fulbright BERMAN: “This jells with advice I give couples. It’s always nice to include the partner so he feels less threatened. I also like how she addresses the concerns of women who fear they might get addicted.” GRADE: A TIP: “Talk about sex, think about sex, and experiment. Wearing a bunny suit and getting spanked might not be your thing, but you should at least be open-minded.” – Meghan Bainum BERMAN: “I agree with the basic, worthy message – to try to be open to new experiences and explore sexuality. But she might want to help people work within their own parameters.” GRADE: B+ TIP: “Generally, we’re either afraid to talk about sex or we over eroticize it. Sex is a human act during which things go wrong – funny noises, embarrassment, fear, pain. Having realistic expectations about sex helps to create a fuller experience.” – Teresa Chin BERMAN: “This is good advice: to lower expectations about performance and ease anxiety. It’s important to see the humor and joy involved with the sex act.” GRADE: A TIP: “Have lots and lots of foreplay. Unless you’re pressed for time, sex is better if it starts out with kissing and oral, which helps with lubrication.” – Amber Madison BERMAN: “You can never have enough foreplay, so it’s a good idea to teach that women need a lot of stimulation. But it’s more than just kissing and oral. While men often like a partner to go straight for the genitals, women like a lot of indirect stimulation in the beginning of a sexual encounter.” GRADE: A- |